Tuesday, July 23, 2013

iPod cookery doesn't get tougher than this people

So, there I was in the kitchen cooking something - food, I think it's called - following a recipe I'd found on my iPod Touch.

They're brilliant, iPods - just like books, but much, much, much more expensive.


And this recipe involved a pint of chicken stock, which I'd already prepared. (There were other ingredients, obviously. It wasn't just a pint of chicken stock because that would make a pretty thin meal, but it's the chicken stock I want you to concentrate on.)



So, as I say, there's one expensive hand-held computer on top of the fridge; one pint of boiling chicken stock sitting on the work surface. Next to the fridge.


Now, you're an intelligent fellow. You've always said that and frankly I've never had cause to doubt you. You can probably guess what happened next.


Which is good, because I didn't. I carried on, opening tins of tomatoes and preparing the beef (which is odd, on reflection, because neither were involved in this particular recipe).


Anyway, like Jerry Lewis in an old Jerry Lewis film I prepared merrily away, oblivious, when - suddenly - there was a splash.


They're brilliant, iPods - just like books, but much, much, much more expensive. And they hate water. They're not overly keen on boiling chicken stock, either.


I fished mine out of the measuring jug - a jug, incidentally, not big enough to hold a recipe book, but the perfect size for an iPod - towelled it off and tried to perform the computer equivalent of the kiss of life.


And it still worked. Well, the screen lit up, although I couldn't switch it off, and the apps were still there. Although I couldn't open most of them.


The music player worked as well - apart from the playing music bit - and the microphone voice recorder was absolutely fine. As long as I didn't plan to use it as a microphone voice recorder.


And there was an uncomfortable hissing sound when I plugged the iPod into the docking station. Apart from that, though. . .


Anyway, it's not as if I'm the first person to drop an iPod into a pint of chicken stock.


A quick scoot around the internet will bring forth tales of iPods dropped down toilets, iPods tumbling into sinks of washing up water, iPods ruined by an unexpected downpour soaking the owner's clothing, and iPods biting the dust when encountering a whole range of drinks.


Another quick scoot around the internet will bring forth pages and pages of advice on what to do if your incredibly expensive favourite toy comes into contact with water. (And here I'm talking about iPods, not Barbie dolls or Subbuteo tables. You're on your own there.)


But the advice can be contradictory. Some sites say leave your iPod in a bowl of rice to soak up the moisture; other sites say you NEVER leave your iPod in a bowl of rice because it can lead to corrosion.


Some sites tell you to blast your damp iPod with a hair dryer; others say NEVER blast your iPod with a hair dryer because it'll rust. Some say take it apart; others say NEVER take it apart.


So faced with a barrage of contradictory advice, I did the sensible thing and put my poor, injured iPod in the airing cupboard.


And the next morning it was fine. Oh, it still crackles a bit when I plug it into the docking station, and it doesn't always switch off when I tell it to, but apart from that it seems okay.


They're brilliant, iPods - just like books, but much, much, much more expensive.


And at around £200 a pop you'd think somebody might have made them waterproof by now.


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